Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Risky Business
Anybody but me concerned that the Christian life is often presented as a collection of disciplines? Read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow. This is a curiosity to me. I even heard someone recently explain walking in the Spirit with the same tried and true rule. You know, I don't mean to insult anyone, but I don't even see these "rules" in the Bible.
Now, before you send me hate mail, let me tell you that I have taught these "good ideas" for Christians to many, many children over the years. My own children have been raised to know and love God's Word, and I have diligently trained them to pray. I wanted my children to know the truth and to be able to discern God's voice from that of others, and I know that the foundation we have laid in their hearts has allowed them to walk intimately with God, but each must walk out his or her true relationship alone. Much as I would like, it is not something I can choose for them.
But I guess what I'm asking is... "Is the discipline really all there is to it?" I've been watching people in church carefully for a number of years now, and I wonder if we have over-simplified the gospel. I know those who teach and believe the gospel is a formula, a prescribed project list, and I have been boggled to see them struggle with the same forms of bondage and stay in the same place as always.... except maybe now with more nice-ness from hanging out with churchy people and learning the lingo.
It seems to me that we might as well tell people who are getting married that intimacy in marriage consists of keeping the house clean and going to work every day. I don't know about you, but my marriage would be very sad indeed if I relied on those types of rules to guarantee intimacy. The adventure of my marriage lies in the relationship that is constantly changing. It lies in the faithful response of joy to my bridegroom's love for me.
The Christians who grow from freedom to even more freedom are those who are willing to risk. They are willing to obey God in the small nudges and large directions no matter the cost in uncertainty.
David Hogan, who has given his life for the Indians in the Mexico hills, and has seen 15 people raised from the dead in his ministry, says it this way.
"Get so far out on the limb that the only One who could possibly save you is God, and then watch Him work!"
This is cultural heresy. We firmly believe that the Bible confirms a 21st century American point of view that calls for "common sense" (ie.. rationalism, where my mind is my god). We cannot even conceive that the Word of God, enlightened by the Spirit of God, might teach about faith that is not merely intellectual assent. James tells us that faith without works is dead, being by itself.
Most people will never see a miracle because they have arranged their lives to be so self-sufficient they think they don't need one. They won't feel God's love in a tangible way, because they have determined to feel in control instead.
What can we call supposed "faith" that never spurs action, repentance, obedience? What if it does not change our lives or those around us? If it is alive, why is there not true fruit? The only answer I see in the Word is that it is alone, and therefore dead.
Faith makes your heart beat a little faster because you know there is truly a risk. Faith is the adventure in a life lived with God. You and I were born to live by faith and not by sight. We were born to be world-changers and not place -holders.
I have a couple of friends who are struggling with their lives because they're so busy being the "respectable Christian woman" they cannot let go and accept the grand adventure a life lived by faith. They have believed the cultural view of nice-ness, church acceptibility, and safety as the ultimate goal for their lives. They have said, "Of course I will obey God," but when the prompting from the Holy Spirit comes, they will not surrender. The question always comes, "How spiritual will this look?" They will not obey if it does not look spiritual to their church ideals. They are stuck, and at least one is considering tossing out her entire life (husband, children, church) for another.
Of couse she is. This is not the life she was meant to live! Her heart is absolutely longing for true romance, for excitement and adventure!! She has convinced herself that it does not exist in Christianity. Pharisees may have prestige and control, but they do not have joy and peace
Intimacy with God is so much more than Bible reading and a prayer list. It is more than journaling and listening to sermons. Intimacy grows with time, cooperation, and obedience. Intimacy with God is about downloading His heart, and being willing to do it all His way. Remember that God loves faith. He looks over the whole earth to reward a person who is full of faith. There's something my Bible does say... repeatedly.
Want to kick-start your spiritual growth? Take the next risk God sends your way, and don't look back in regret when the opposition comes. Keep asking God, "What can I learn from this? Give me your wisdom," and you will be amazed at the miraculous provision God will pour out. Your Bible reading will come alive, and your time with God will be more and more intimate as you do.
Since we walk by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Mommy, Daddy, Mother
I jetted into KMart the other day to look for some Christmas lights on the way home from the doctor’s office. Along with lights, I carried home another sort of illumination . In fact, it was quite enlightening, if you will pardon the pun. As it turns out, KMart at Christmas time in the liberal college town can be a lesson in virtual parenting.
The first parent I heard rather than saw, while attempting to assess the merits of LED lights versus conventional ones. “Ryan come on!” a young voice whined, “Ryan, I have to make it home by 3:30!!” I turned to see a young twenty-something Mommy talking to her three year old son. Or rather he was careening down the aisles and she was attempting to follow his path of destruction. He would lunge for a toy or an ornament, she would attempt to talk him out of it with some combination of wrestling, cajoling and anger. Meanwhile, her son, completely nonplussed by this familiar routine, continued on his merry way, touching and climbing upon anything that struck his fancy. It was clear that Mommy had absolutely no power in this situation, and more importantly, no authority. In fact, if anyone had authority in this situation, it was the three year old. I am always fascinated by situations such as these. I am pretty sure that the mother does not really want life to be this way. In fact, I am certain, given the desperate look on both their faces, that neither one is happy with the situation.
“What? Not the child?” you may ask. Especially not the child, though he was at that moment getting every whim for which his selfish soul was asking. Little children love limits more than they love freedom, and he was not getting one clear limit. He could not say to himself, “See, my mother does love me more than she loves to whine and procrastinate, more than she is selfish and afraid.” Ryan was literally begging his mother for the control he instinctively knows is illustrated by an adult looking out for him, and coming up empty again and again.
I am so sad for Ryan, and for every child in his shoes. Mostly, their parents are afraid of failing, afraid of looking bad, and uncertain of the best path. In their hearts, they know that others have happy parent/child relationships, but most have no clue how to go about getting them. Their parenting becomes marked by tolerant passivity, then chasing and exhaustion, then whining or bursts of anger. When the child is a baby, Mommy assumes she will be the most doting mother ever, the most loving and giving, and that this will assure her child’s undying loyalty in return. This does not work because it is based on the feeling of love and not the real deal, and it underestimates the power of her child’s selfish nature. This parenting is about the parent rather than about the child. Always remember that love gives the loved one what he best needs to succeed. Young children do not have their own limits, nor the courage, wisdom, or self-control to make them. If a parent makes life about feelings, the child is in trouble. Any child will come into peaceful contentment when the parent gives firm, consistent, happy limits.
Parent number two was behind me as I cost-compared. His voice could be heard throughout the store. Although I was fifty feet away, it made me afraid. This Daddy was not whining, he was growling and barking. Apparently, his son had crossed the line and now Daddy had had enough. He was so furious that even common public niceties went out the window. Anger was the entrée dujour, and he was serving up a plateful and overflowing to his six-year old. “No you are not!!! You are getting right back into the car and sitting by yourself! You are being a baby,” he yelled, “and I am done with this!”
I turned to see a sad little fellow looking up at his father with his eyes full of tears. Worse, Daddy had his elbow, and was unsuccessfully attempting to manhandle him around and out the door. My heart lurched. If this is what the parent will do in public, I always wonder what happens behind closed doors at home. And if Daddy does not think it inappropriate to loudly vent his full anger on a small child in a store, he may be unaware of how angry he really is. No sooner had Daddy and his boys left, than I was confronted with the most disturbing parent of all.
I finally got in a checkout line behind a queue of slightly grouchy, after work shoppers who had each stopped in for “just a few things” and were in a hurry to get home. Because it was KMart, they had only one checker, of course. As soon as I found my place in line six deep, a Mother came up behind me with two daughters, ages about seven and four. The girls walked up next to their mother and stood docile about a foot away from her, waiting patiently and silently, a little closer to the candy and toy display, but not touching it.
No sooner had they arrived, when she started in. “Girls, if you don’t stand over here closer to me,” she warned in a stern, no nonsense tone, “I might have to start taking items off my Christmas list!” The daughters inched closer, and Mother started in again, “Jasmine. If you cannot put on your coat, we will find someone else to give it to. There are plenty of children who would love to have a nice warm winter coat!” Mother continued to wax eloquent, and I did the gradual swing- around-casually thing so I wouldn’t seem to be turning just to look at them. As I did, I saw the littlest girl, who had been quietly holding her coat, was now putting it on. It was warm in the store. As we stood there in line, it became obvious from her continual barrage of dire consequences for nondescript actions that Mother had been reading parenting books which told her that giving consequences was the best way to control your child’s behavior. Unfortunately, what Mother obviously didn’t recognize was that not all behavior must be controlled, especially with such extreme repercussions! Mother had absolute control of her children with her threats, but true authority was still lacking. To me, her case was the saddest of all, because she was making herself and her children miserable, and because she was obviously sure she was “doing it right.”
One of the reasons these displays hurt my heart is that I have been where these parents are and know the pain it causes to both parent and child. Ask any of my large brood and those old enough to respond will all freely admit Mom is not the perfect parent. Sadly, I have chased out-of-control toddlers, vented anger, and gone overboard with consequences on many occasions in my twenty year parenting career. I have also done and said more stupid things as a parent than in any other life capacity --times five! I want the reader to know this, because no friend or acquaintance should think I am judging anyone or waiting to write about their parenting failures. I share this as the voice of experience but I still have a lifetime of learning ahead.
Still, the juxtaposition of Mommy, Daddy, and Mother really arrested my attention. I thought about it all the way home and many times since. Even if their KMart behavior was not typical, it was painful to their children. The saddest part is that most parents could learn a better way and enjoy their children while they are young. Instead of riding the never-ending carousel of idealism, anger, and guilt our culture perpetuates, they could live at peace with serene children who are their parent’s continual joy.
These parents didn’t ask for advice, but I offer it anyway, in hopes somebody out there struggling might have perspective for current or future parenting endeavors.
Advice for Mommy: Make your child’s unquestioned obedience your first priority. His life may depend on it. Make a game of him yelling “Coming!” and running to you at high speed whenever and wherever you call. Do it at home by setting up training sessions when he is enthralled with his toys. Don’t attempt a store until you know you will have success. Most important: when he comes, reward him with hugs, kisses and praise. When (not if) he fails, administer a brief discipline and try again. It should be the most fun! He will soon love being by your side because you are always smiling into his face, telling him how well he did. And he will learn that Mommy always means what she says.
Advice for Dad: It is important that you realize your behavior is rooted in much deeper issues. Do you let things go until you finally notice and crack down?? If so, your children will be always testing your boundaries. Do you have unresolved authority issues with your parents, old teachers, bosses? If you have not submitted to an authority, you will have trouble being the authority your child needs. Do you have unrealistic expectations for children, so they feel they can never please you?? As the old saying goes, you get more flies with honey. If your children get a lot of sunshine from you, they will notice the occasional rain cloud and change their actions accordingly. Make sure your discipline is brief, matter of fact, and you get on to the business of enjoying each other again. Are you lost in a fantasy world on your computer? No wife or child can compete with that unrealistic reality, and unrestrained anger is the result. Confess, and rejoin the real world. As you walk in your repentance with Jesus, the anger will gradually dissipate.
Advice for Mother: Wrong priorities (ie…the house must always be clean, the children must always be quiet and still, children must always look neat, clean and dressed a particular way, and we must be at the meeting on time no matter how late we woke up or who got sick) will press you out of relationship with your children. What you need is to really walk with Jesus. Let His life invade you to the point that you are healed from your deep wounds, and let go of your pre-conceived ideas and everyone else’s ideals. Look at your children honestly. Are they happy?? Learn from those who have happy, healthy children. Here’s a hint. Don’t look at how put-together the parent seems, or how loudly they proclaim their pet theories. Parenting is, after all, about what is best for the child. If the child is happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and loves the parent and siblings, ask that parent for their secrets. Ask for specific advice on your problem areas. Watch how they do it. You may find parenting is not as hard as it once seemed when you gain different priorities.
It seems to me that these KMart examples might look askance at the biblical injunctions for parents. Even so, I have found that Biblical parenting is where the joy is. As the Word says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace.” If true joyful and submitted authority secured the lives of these and many other children, they could settle down and enjoy the ride of childhood with a parent who enjoyed it too. No matter what our background, isn’t that what we all want… a happy, secure relationship with our children? We want them to enjoy being around us, and we want ourselves and others to enjoy being around them. This isn’t our highest goal as parents, but it is the starting block which makes all the rest of the race possible.
The first parent I heard rather than saw, while attempting to assess the merits of LED lights versus conventional ones. “Ryan come on!” a young voice whined, “Ryan, I have to make it home by 3:30!!” I turned to see a young twenty-something Mommy talking to her three year old son. Or rather he was careening down the aisles and she was attempting to follow his path of destruction. He would lunge for a toy or an ornament, she would attempt to talk him out of it with some combination of wrestling, cajoling and anger. Meanwhile, her son, completely nonplussed by this familiar routine, continued on his merry way, touching and climbing upon anything that struck his fancy. It was clear that Mommy had absolutely no power in this situation, and more importantly, no authority. In fact, if anyone had authority in this situation, it was the three year old. I am always fascinated by situations such as these. I am pretty sure that the mother does not really want life to be this way. In fact, I am certain, given the desperate look on both their faces, that neither one is happy with the situation.
“What? Not the child?” you may ask. Especially not the child, though he was at that moment getting every whim for which his selfish soul was asking. Little children love limits more than they love freedom, and he was not getting one clear limit. He could not say to himself, “See, my mother does love me more than she loves to whine and procrastinate, more than she is selfish and afraid.” Ryan was literally begging his mother for the control he instinctively knows is illustrated by an adult looking out for him, and coming up empty again and again.
I am so sad for Ryan, and for every child in his shoes. Mostly, their parents are afraid of failing, afraid of looking bad, and uncertain of the best path. In their hearts, they know that others have happy parent/child relationships, but most have no clue how to go about getting them. Their parenting becomes marked by tolerant passivity, then chasing and exhaustion, then whining or bursts of anger. When the child is a baby, Mommy assumes she will be the most doting mother ever, the most loving and giving, and that this will assure her child’s undying loyalty in return. This does not work because it is based on the feeling of love and not the real deal, and it underestimates the power of her child’s selfish nature. This parenting is about the parent rather than about the child. Always remember that love gives the loved one what he best needs to succeed. Young children do not have their own limits, nor the courage, wisdom, or self-control to make them. If a parent makes life about feelings, the child is in trouble. Any child will come into peaceful contentment when the parent gives firm, consistent, happy limits.
Parent number two was behind me as I cost-compared. His voice could be heard throughout the store. Although I was fifty feet away, it made me afraid. This Daddy was not whining, he was growling and barking. Apparently, his son had crossed the line and now Daddy had had enough. He was so furious that even common public niceties went out the window. Anger was the entrée dujour, and he was serving up a plateful and overflowing to his six-year old. “No you are not!!! You are getting right back into the car and sitting by yourself! You are being a baby,” he yelled, “and I am done with this!”
I turned to see a sad little fellow looking up at his father with his eyes full of tears. Worse, Daddy had his elbow, and was unsuccessfully attempting to manhandle him around and out the door. My heart lurched. If this is what the parent will do in public, I always wonder what happens behind closed doors at home. And if Daddy does not think it inappropriate to loudly vent his full anger on a small child in a store, he may be unaware of how angry he really is. No sooner had Daddy and his boys left, than I was confronted with the most disturbing parent of all.
I finally got in a checkout line behind a queue of slightly grouchy, after work shoppers who had each stopped in for “just a few things” and were in a hurry to get home. Because it was KMart, they had only one checker, of course. As soon as I found my place in line six deep, a Mother came up behind me with two daughters, ages about seven and four. The girls walked up next to their mother and stood docile about a foot away from her, waiting patiently and silently, a little closer to the candy and toy display, but not touching it.
No sooner had they arrived, when she started in. “Girls, if you don’t stand over here closer to me,” she warned in a stern, no nonsense tone, “I might have to start taking items off my Christmas list!” The daughters inched closer, and Mother started in again, “Jasmine. If you cannot put on your coat, we will find someone else to give it to. There are plenty of children who would love to have a nice warm winter coat!” Mother continued to wax eloquent, and I did the gradual swing- around-casually thing so I wouldn’t seem to be turning just to look at them. As I did, I saw the littlest girl, who had been quietly holding her coat, was now putting it on. It was warm in the store. As we stood there in line, it became obvious from her continual barrage of dire consequences for nondescript actions that Mother had been reading parenting books which told her that giving consequences was the best way to control your child’s behavior. Unfortunately, what Mother obviously didn’t recognize was that not all behavior must be controlled, especially with such extreme repercussions! Mother had absolute control of her children with her threats, but true authority was still lacking. To me, her case was the saddest of all, because she was making herself and her children miserable, and because she was obviously sure she was “doing it right.”
One of the reasons these displays hurt my heart is that I have been where these parents are and know the pain it causes to both parent and child. Ask any of my large brood and those old enough to respond will all freely admit Mom is not the perfect parent. Sadly, I have chased out-of-control toddlers, vented anger, and gone overboard with consequences on many occasions in my twenty year parenting career. I have also done and said more stupid things as a parent than in any other life capacity --times five! I want the reader to know this, because no friend or acquaintance should think I am judging anyone or waiting to write about their parenting failures. I share this as the voice of experience but I still have a lifetime of learning ahead.
Still, the juxtaposition of Mommy, Daddy, and Mother really arrested my attention. I thought about it all the way home and many times since. Even if their KMart behavior was not typical, it was painful to their children. The saddest part is that most parents could learn a better way and enjoy their children while they are young. Instead of riding the never-ending carousel of idealism, anger, and guilt our culture perpetuates, they could live at peace with serene children who are their parent’s continual joy.
These parents didn’t ask for advice, but I offer it anyway, in hopes somebody out there struggling might have perspective for current or future parenting endeavors.
Advice for Mommy: Make your child’s unquestioned obedience your first priority. His life may depend on it. Make a game of him yelling “Coming!” and running to you at high speed whenever and wherever you call. Do it at home by setting up training sessions when he is enthralled with his toys. Don’t attempt a store until you know you will have success. Most important: when he comes, reward him with hugs, kisses and praise. When (not if) he fails, administer a brief discipline and try again. It should be the most fun! He will soon love being by your side because you are always smiling into his face, telling him how well he did. And he will learn that Mommy always means what she says.
Advice for Dad: It is important that you realize your behavior is rooted in much deeper issues. Do you let things go until you finally notice and crack down?? If so, your children will be always testing your boundaries. Do you have unresolved authority issues with your parents, old teachers, bosses? If you have not submitted to an authority, you will have trouble being the authority your child needs. Do you have unrealistic expectations for children, so they feel they can never please you?? As the old saying goes, you get more flies with honey. If your children get a lot of sunshine from you, they will notice the occasional rain cloud and change their actions accordingly. Make sure your discipline is brief, matter of fact, and you get on to the business of enjoying each other again. Are you lost in a fantasy world on your computer? No wife or child can compete with that unrealistic reality, and unrestrained anger is the result. Confess, and rejoin the real world. As you walk in your repentance with Jesus, the anger will gradually dissipate.
Advice for Mother: Wrong priorities (ie…the house must always be clean, the children must always be quiet and still, children must always look neat, clean and dressed a particular way, and we must be at the meeting on time no matter how late we woke up or who got sick) will press you out of relationship with your children. What you need is to really walk with Jesus. Let His life invade you to the point that you are healed from your deep wounds, and let go of your pre-conceived ideas and everyone else’s ideals. Look at your children honestly. Are they happy?? Learn from those who have happy, healthy children. Here’s a hint. Don’t look at how put-together the parent seems, or how loudly they proclaim their pet theories. Parenting is, after all, about what is best for the child. If the child is happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and loves the parent and siblings, ask that parent for their secrets. Ask for specific advice on your problem areas. Watch how they do it. You may find parenting is not as hard as it once seemed when you gain different priorities.
It seems to me that these KMart examples might look askance at the biblical injunctions for parents. Even so, I have found that Biblical parenting is where the joy is. As the Word says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace.” If true joyful and submitted authority secured the lives of these and many other children, they could settle down and enjoy the ride of childhood with a parent who enjoyed it too. No matter what our background, isn’t that what we all want… a happy, secure relationship with our children? We want them to enjoy being around us, and we want ourselves and others to enjoy being around them. This isn’t our highest goal as parents, but it is the starting block which makes all the rest of the race possible.
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